Looks like my boy is finally starting to miss us when we go out. My mom watched him so Josh and I could have dinner as an early anniversary to ourselves. I got a call about 7:30 waving the white flag, that Oliver had been crying since we left. There is a part of me that's a little happy he actually misses me when I leave him. Is that wrong?

Nana T heads to Virginia tomorrow and we won't get to see her again until mothers days weekend (my first one!). Please pray for my GMA. Things don't look so great right now and I really hate this. I know this is part of life but that doesn't make any of this any easier. For every milestone Oliver achieves, I always have in the back of my mind that my family is going through a lot of pain and I hope my GMA is at least comfortable and okay. No matter what happens I am always going to be so thankful she was healthy and well when I brought Oliver to meet her the first time.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Back to grind in the morning!

My grandmother is fighting lung cancer right now and it doesn't look so good. We are heading back from the airport in Charlotte after picking up my mom.  Looks like we will be burning up I-77 going back and forth to Virginia the next few weeks. She is my last living grandparent so this is a difficult time. I can only imagine how hard this must be on my mom.

Here's Oliver with my GMA from a few weeks ago.  

On a side note, today is my dads birthday. Happy Birthday General!!!

Boy I wish they had told me that

A disclaimer:  This post is going to be very TMI and female oriented so, be fair warned.

I am so thankful I've been given the blessing of becoming a mother.  The end result has been nothing short of magical at times.  That being said, boy are there a few things I wish people had warned me about ahead of time just so I could be prepared (I'm a preparer by nature).  In no particular order of grossness:

1.  Bleeding
I knew going into the final weeks of being pregnant that afterwards there would be recovery and bleeding.  I get it.  However, I had a scheduled csection and thought surely they'll use a vacuum or some sort of socker-outer and get everything out, right?  Wrong.  Very, very wrong.  The nurses come in and press on your already wrecked stomach once an hour for the first 24 hours, making sure your uterus goes back to where it should.  Now, this is a part of the healing process and I get it.  However, having to be cleaned up by a nursing assistant like an invalid was not something I was prepared for.  With people in the room no less.  Thankfully, I did not have that when you first stand up gush or anything but it was still gross.  And oh the bleeding afterwards.  That lasts for WEEKS.  Hello????  Why is this not in any pregnancy book?  Lies, please.  Lies!

2.  Hair loss
Why was I the only person who was not aware that you will lose your hair like a middle aged, red sports car driving man?  I literally have bald spots but thankfully they can be covered so no one else sees them.  I will not even describe what it looks like when these bald spots start growing back in! 

3.  Cycle issues
I've spent the last week freaking out and worrying about my monthly friend not showing up.  I want more children and close in age but a year apart is just a little too close for comfort for me.  How many calls to my OB do I have to make, asking is this normal?  Why was my period 12 days last month and it's a week late this one?  (Told you, this would be TMI...again, I apologize).  I wish someone had warned me just how much your body must endure in order to bring a tiny human into the world.  Michelle Duggar can suck it. 

4.  Boobs
Between the leaking and the pain, this alone could be a post in and of itself.  How come I had to take to the internet to realize that you don't just stop breastfeeding cold turkey?  Why didn't someone tell me this before I just quit and almost died from the pain the next morning?  Or that feeding or pumping that morning would make me want to scream in agony?  Or that the pain of dealing with that was worse than my csection recovery was?

5.  Itching
This goes back to the beginning of during and after my csection.  How in the hell did it slip someone's mind to say hey you may have a reaction to the spinal and will want to itch every square inch of your skin off?????  I look like Rudolph in every single photo from the days in the hospital because of my reaction to the spinal.  I was almost in tears on quite a few occasions, begging the nurses for more Benadryl to at least dull the agony I was in.

6.  Scar tissue
I may be the only person who had this issue but feeling along my scar and realizing there was a lump on one side sent me running out of the shower and on the phone to my OB before I had even dried my face off.  Apparently this is normal.  Again, something that would have been nice to know beforehand.  Thanks, people.

7.  Hormones
I knew I'd be hormonal but bordering on insanity I was not expecting.  I had to learn early on that cutting out the nonsense was the only way I'd be able to survive.  You will most definitely cry for no reason. 

8.  A baby with days and nights confused
Sure, it happens to some babies.  But why doesn't the hospital explain that just in case.  Wouldn't that be a nice little nugget to know ahead of time?  Hey, just so you know.  Thanks for the advice, nurses. 

9.  Useless hospital staff
At least in my experience, I would have rather had Oliver in a field than where I did.  The nurses were rude and it took forever to get anything when I'd ask for it.  I won't even begin to describe how the nurses in his nursery acted, other than to say they made me feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.  Make sure you bring your own mittens and clothes, unless you want a baby who scratches its face and is freezing in that cheap hospital "gown" they provide babies nowadays.  If my OB's office wasn't directly affiliated with the hospital where I had Oliver, I'd switch in a heartbeat with my next child.  I won a VIP package in May that I was so excited to use when I had Oliver.  Because I had him on a weekend, their offices were closed and I didn't get to use ANY of it.  When we went to claim our gift certificates when I was leaving, the lady laughed at Josh and told him she wouldn't help him because we waited too long.  How is this behavior tolerated from what is considered the baby hospital of Columbia???

10.  Crazy breastfeeding ninjas
In a perfect world we'd all be able to feed our babies and not have to rely on formula to help.  That would be amazing!!  However, I wish I hadn't spent so much time and energy worrying that I had to supplement Oliver from pretty much day one.  And back off, jerks!!  What's good for you is not necessarily good for me and my family.  Does your baby fall asleep 5 minutes after feeding and no amount of poking and prodding will wake him up?  No?  I didn't think so.  So mind your own damn business.  Breastfeeding is good but do not let anyone else tell you what is best for YOUR baby.  You have to live with him or her for however many years they are at home.  If you go into the hospital even knowing breastfeeding isn't for you, good for you!  I know for next time that we will bring bottles (yep, hospital won't provide those either...unless you use whatever company has swooned them and is giving away free samples at the time). 

I'm sure I will have many more things to add to this list as Oliver gets older and my mothering adventures because more pronounced.  It feels like every month something pops up and I think why didn't someone tell me about this while I was pregnant?

Trying times

Will the constant screaming and fussiness ever stop?  Seriously, how do single moms do this?  I feel like I've got an F in the mom category today, for sure.  Josh went to class last night and things were normal at the house.  I actually was able to clean up the kitchen while Oliver was still awake.  For some reason, 6:30 rolled around and all hell broke loose.  There was literally NOTHING I could do to appease him.  He just eats and eats and screams in between.  Like we are starving him or something.  I took a photo of him screaming because all of his food was gone but I'm guessing I shouldn't share that one because one day he will be embarrassed by that. 

Honestly, I don't feel like a good mom at all today.  I finally had to take a break, put him in his crib, shut the door and went downstairs for about 20 minutes until Josh got home from class and he took care of him.  Then I spent the rest of my waking evening checking on Oliver, wanting to wake him up and tell him how sorry I am that I got frustrated with him.  I can normally calm him by putting him in the bathtub and letting him splash around.  Last night?  Not so much.  What am I doing wrong??  Does he have another ear infection that we need to attend to?  Is this parenthood thing EVER going to get easier?

In a word, I'm defeated.  Absolutely defeated today.  Plus, Josh's mom bailed on our dinner plans and gave no explanation so I have officially closed my heart to her forever. 

I'm hoping in a month or so I will look back on posts like this and laugh, seeing my content baby flourishing.  I really hope other mamas have days like this.  Today I pray for strength and guidance.  Nothing more. 

No matter how crazy our house gets, these two still stick together.

Sleep, precious sleep. And quiet

Where has my down at 7, up at 6:45 baby gone??  I don't understand this ebb and flow of parenthood sometimes.  We were in a little routine and I don't think Oliver got the memo for some reason.  He is a bear about an hour after we get home from daycare/work and our normal routine, until Monday, was bath, solids, bottle, bed.  Well he's decided he wants to wake up and be angry for like an hour then go back to sleep about 9:30 or 10.  Any idea what is causing this??  I don't know how to fix this.  I just attempted to make an appointment with a GI doctor but apparently we need a referral for that.  Lots and lots of hoops jumping when it comes to being a parent!

There's a slight possibility that we may be having dinner with Josh's mom tonight, depending on if she agrees to come alone.  This should be very interesting and make for great material if it does happen! 

While we are on the topic of questions, explain to me how my baby wakes up like this?  I surely did NOT put him in his crib that way!!!

Happy Wednesday!

Sweet boy

Although it looks like I'll be the only person reading this, here's a picture from last night of my sweet boy.  He went from a dark haired, dark eyed blob to a blonde haired, blue eyed kid who smiles ALL THE TIME, even when he's supposed to be in bed.

Oliver and I normally spend nights alone while daddy is getting his education (yay daddy!) and I really am trying to figure out things to do to keep him occupied.  I'd love suggestions on what to do to make sure he doesn't get bored.  A bored Oliver = a cranky Oliver. 

Maybe I'll make this post a picture dump?  Oliver loves food..(these would be avocado)

I entered him in the Gap Casting Call contest but in a sea of 36,000 applicants, I'm guessing my little guy got lost in the shuffle.  It's okay, we still think he's cute.

I guess at some point I can do a post on my love of Smocked clothes.  Ha ha, I'm trying to keep a running picture list of all the outfits he wears.

Or how this is how he spends more evenings.  Is it normal to have the baby not wear clothes at home?  Oliver is having issues with reflux right now and I hate cleaning up vomit.  Seriously, sue me.


Well, this has turned into a random bit of information, hasn't it?  Just an excuse to show off pictures of my little guy, I guess!  Hope it's a good day to anyone who might be reading.

A rant

I've been stewing about this topic for almost a year now but I'm hoping if I actually get it "on paper," I'll be able to move on and never talk about it again.

My in-laws.

Where do I begin??? Should I start with the fact that Oliver is 4 months and 7 days old and he has yet to meet his grandmother? Yeah, let's start there. Or that Josh's only sibling on the planet hasn't met him either? I am so angry today about them and I don't really know why. We have gone around and around about having a relationship with these horrible people and each time I try and mention it, Josh rejects it and changes the subject. What about my baby?? Does NO ONE think of him? I attempted to contact Josh's mom about two months ago and, besides the fact that it took her two weeks to respond to me, she would not meet me and Oliver unless it was under her terms. Really???? You cry to people that you haven't met your grandson but when I offer it you turn me down because I don't want your low life piece of trash husband there too?? I am so furious today about this. My mother lives 1,000 miles from Columbia and would probably give up part of her life to see Oliver yet my mother-in-law lives 10 minutes from our door and doesn't even know what he looks like. How is this possible?

I guess I should back up for a second and explain how we got here. If I've learned anything about Josh it's that he doesn't rock the boat, ever. He goes with the flow and tries to please everyone. I'm not sure if it's because of how he was raised or just his personality but he tends to keep to himself and not bother anybody. That being said, he was approached by his stepdad years ago with the request that Josh buy his childhood home from his mom and stepdad under the guise that they would buy it back within a year. He shelled out $5,000 for closing costs and was told he would get those back as well as soon as the proceeds from the sale of the house were finalized. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out how all of this played out, right? No proceeds returned and it's 2012 and Josh still owns this crappy house. With a 30+ year old air conditioning. A 20+ year old roof. My guess is jerk Larry hired a friend to do the inspection on this house and sign off on everything being on the up and up. Instead, Josh and I are almost bankrupt trying to repair things here and there. Mind you, I was 3 months pregnant when we moved into this house WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING in South Carolina in the summer. I spent more days than I care to remember feeling light headed and like I was going to pass out.

All of this is neither here nor there at this point, I think. I'm so angry and bitter that my child has to wait for his grandmother in Massachusetts to visit to get any sense of extended family and I'm really pissed off today. Really pissed off. I want these people to make it right and give my child the fairness he deserves. At this point, I don't think it's possible but at least the thought is there. Instead, I spend time wondering what could have been. Does anybody really think that a child growing up realizing that he has a whole other family who he has never met is a healthy thing?? How will he feel about all of this one day??

I apologize for the rant but, for some reason, this has been on my mind today. I thankfully have a good support system in place with my family and Oliver has his Aunt JCC basically in the same room with him as much as Josh and I are so I am thankful for that. I think this blood family issue will be with me for the rest of my life. I never thought this part of my life would end up like this. Any suggestions on what I should do???? I could really use the guidance.