Yes, I am currently experiencing a bit of sour grapes. Or jealousy. Call it what you will. As evidenced in my very first posts, I always imagined I'd meet a man, get married, have kids and be able to help raise these kids. Along the way I decided that my education was just as important so I managed to get not one, not two but THREE degrees (okay, so maybe an Associates Degree is pointless but still). I was in college the better part of 15 years and now I have a Master's Degree to show for my hard work. Which has amounted to be a big fat, NOTHING. I have a baby that I adore and a husband I can't imagine life without. Yet, I don't get to enjoy any of it.
I see all these mommy bloggers who are able to stay home and take care of their kids. How do I do that?? What in the hell do I need to do in order to make that happen? I am so frustrated with worrying about money that I know I'll never be able to stop working and focus on my family. I'd love to have lots of kids and it pisses me off that I have to worry about FMLA and my age before anything else. Instead of starting again right away, I have to say okay Oliver is 6 months old and by the time, God willing, baby #2 gets here it'll have been a year since I used my FMLA/STD benefits and I can take off 8 weeks from work again. I'm all for this women's lib and, quite frankly, I doubt I could stay home permanently. But, it sure would be nice to be given the choice.
I mentioned to a friend recently something that I know isn't going to be popular. And if my husband sees this his feelings are going to be hurt, so I apologize in advance. Make sure you marry for not just love. Unless you desire to live as middle class and have to work forever, make sure you settle down with someone who can provide for you financially. Being the person who makes more money is liberating at first. Until you start working again and having to leave your baby with (albeit nice) strangers to watch him day in and day out, you won't fully understand how hard being a working mom is.
Maybe this post fits into that category I had myself in years ago, imagining something that I thought could never be a reality? I surely hope so. If I had my way, I'd already be pregnant now and me, Oliver and Aunt JCC would be planning what we were going to do during the day. Again, I am so grateful I have the job I do, I love being challenged and the grownup interaction is wonderful. However, my grandmother is gravely ill and most likely will not be with us too terribly much longer. Instead of being with my mom and helping as much as I can, I am waiting for the call of when her final respects will be paid. I know that my asking to have a few days off would just lead to WWIII and I don't have the strength to deal with that right now. Ah the joys of working motherhood.