Sunday, September 2, 2012

What ifs

We are now officially less than one week away from our move from South Carolina to Massachusetts and I guess I have a few things to say.  Hopefully just getting them out there will make me feel better and I can maybe free myself of the fear I have lingering in my head right now.  

I am beyond terrified.  There are so many things that have gone wrong and/or not as planned from this stupid move that I'm really starting to rethink things.  I feel like I'm about to go into this move like I have in moves in the past where I'm bitter and resentful from the start.  Apparently I have almost $1,200 in excise taxes due to the state of Massachusetts which means I can't get my license until I pay them.  No big deal right?  Sure, as long as I didn't need a damn license in order to apply for Mass Health so I can have health insurance to cover the baby I'm going to have in five months.  So, blow #1.  Wouldn't be so bad if the "done deal" job Josh "got" had actually fallen into place.  Instead, the people won't return any of his phone calls and we are back to freaking square one. 

Now I may be the one who actually has to go out and get a job, yet again.  I'm so sick and tired of being the one with an education and having to worry about making money to support our family.  I honestly feel like God is punishing us for being able to have children with relative ease by making all this other shit so much more complicated.  If this is the plight we have to face in order to have healthy, beautiful children then I am all for that.  I know how blessed we are and I don't ever take that for granted.  It would be nice, just freaking once, to have other things go right.

We are walking away from our house.  As in, letting the bank take it.  I know in my heart this part isn't a huge issue but actually saying it out loud makes me feel like a total loser.  Guess it couldn't come at a more perfect time considering Josh just told me today he noticed while he was getting our stuff out of the attic that the roof is leaking now.  Those things tend to happen when a roof is fixed in 25 years.  

We are also voluntarily letting the bank come get Josh's truck.  I have been in a lot of bad money situations in my life but I have never had a car taken away from me.  I think the reality of everything is hitting me hard and I'm physically ill over it.  While everyone else around me is all rainbows and butterflies about this move, I just want to cry and run away.  Or throw up.  
It's going to be a damn clown car at my mom's house for a while, trying to figure things out and save enough money to where we can get our own place.  34 years old and living with my mom again.  Doesn't get much more loser than that.

I'm sorry that this post is such a bummer this evening but I feel like y'all are my friends and I want to confide in my friends about how I really feel about things.  I've been just kind of chugging along, pretending like all is hunky doory and I KNOW things will work out because I won't have a choice but to make them work out. 

After all that, I promise I do hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend.  We've been packing and trying to take little breaks here and there to get our minds off things.  I get to sleep in one more morning tomorrow and that means one less day of work I have to go to next week.  Hope everyone has a great holiday and extended weekend!


  1. Maybe I am biased because you're my sister. But I do by think you are a loser. And one of the things I admire most about you is the fact that you always have make things work. No matter the situation. I think you are an amazing person.

  2. what the hell are excise taxes? Remember that post from FB yesterday? Read it again. And Again.
    Also, a friend of mine said this rencently: Making a big life change is scary. But you know what's even scarier? REGRET! You are doing what is best for your family, and that's all that matters.
    Hope tomorrow the sun is a little brighter in your world.

  3. Girl, I know things are hard, but think of how good it will feel to "start" over without all the worry over paying bills that just never stop! Hopefully, this fresh start will lead you and Josh and your family into a more stable financial situation for your future. And I know you've read from Natalie and I our financial struggles...after this housing market and economic crisis and highest unemployment rate in history, you are not alone. I am so glad you do have a mother who can help your family out when you need it. Eddie and I do not have that! We have a house that we can't sale (and haven't been able to sale for 5 years) because of this mess and currently are trying to get renters in it again so we don't have to make two housing payments. The only way I can even keep it up right now is because I am in school and working full-time (a big cost to my time with my family). We just all do what we have to for our families and that is admirable! We are supporting you 100%, girl! Just breathe!

  4. Seriously, what are excise taxes?

    I'm so sorry you're having a freak out moment. I had that freak out too. It was the day we got our foreclosure letter in the mail and had 14 days to get out. Even though it was intentional, we planned it and we knew it was coming I freaked. the. hell. out. I remember calling a friend and just sobbing that we were shitty parents and we were ruining Spencer's life. And you want to know what happened next? We packed up, we found a house, we moved and our lives improved vastly. We no longer drove 30 minutes 1 way to get anywhere. We got into a better school district. We paid less money for more house. There is nothing I miss about our old house. Nothing. Well, OK, the paint, but that's it.

    You were bound to have this happen, but I really do think that everything will be OK in the end.