Friday, November 2, 2012

Crisis of faith

I was recently reading another blog of someone who has had some very challenging times in her life and she always turns back to God and her faith and it got me wondering where that comes from?

Am I just missing that part of my brain? Am I so cynical that the idea of believing in a higher power and not getting upset when something goes wrong are so out of the realm of possibility?

I can tell you that I know the exact moment my faith was lost. I was ten years and almost four months old. In the parking lot of what used to be an outlet mall in front of Carowinds in Charlotte North Carolina. My dad has just told me my sister had died. I remember thinking that we had prayed and wished and hoped for as long as I could remember for this baby and God took her away from us. I was the good little catholic girl, always at mass and attended a private catholic school at that. From that moment on, I hated God. The anger I felt is something I have never experienced since.

So here I am 34 years old and I still wrestle with that. I want so badly to believe and hope and cling to a god who is good and kind. But I keep feeling like I'm being punished for something. I try so hard to remember how lucky I am and how blessed we are to be where we are and have a beautiful and healthy child here and another one making her appearance soon. It's during low times when I'm sitting in my moms house when I think am I so unimportant to god that he will take all of it away from me?

I guess I should reiterate that I am grateful. I just keep hoping that you do what's good and right and eventually good things start happening, right? I can't live where we are forever. I can't go on day in and day out being bitter that I have two degrees that mean nothing. (Sidebar: long before I gave my notice at work I had applied for an assistant job at a university up here...well I got a rejection email from them on Wednesday. Apparently a masters degree and almost fifteen years of legal experience mean I am not qualified for the position).

All this rambling to say that I fully respect and admire y'all who just get it. Who know that god is looking out for you and has your life in his hands. I want so desperately to be one of those people. Instead I worry that I'm going to say something out of turn or speak ill of someone and piss the big guy off to where something else bad happens to me. Or my family.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with this. My intent is only to try and understand a little better. I seriously feel like something is wrong with me when it comes to this part of my existence. Have you always just believed? When bad things happen how do you not feel like you are all alone in this life?

5 comments:

  1. My heart just breaks for you because I can't imagine going through something like that! I think it's normal to doubt at times and question things. That's where faith comes in...believing in the God that you can't see. As far as good things happening to good people, that is unfortunately not the way that the world works. But it's not God's fault. It's ours. We chose this destiny with our sinful nature and we have to go through all of the bad things/pain on Earth. The place that we will get our true happiness and reward is in heaven. There we will finally know what it is to live pain free and worry free. It certainly doesn't make it any easier to live here sometimes, but I just take comfort in the fact that God is walking with me through it all. Our sole purpose here is to glorify Him and we have to do that in every single situation, good and bad. The devil loves to see people turn from God and blame Him in bad situations. That is the devil's ultimate goal...to turn people from the Lord. And sadly, he wins a lot. You will definitely be in my prayers.

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  2. I'm sorry my friend. We all go through times in our life where we question life's battles. Yes, you lost your sister. I lost my Hope. But that doesn't mean God doesn't love me or you. God is not up there with a trident and ready to send lightening bolts down on our head. There were many people in the bible who faced awful things but still followed God. They knew he loved them and that he had a plan. Is it difficult to understand? Yes. We are not God. This is just a thought. You are obviously struggling with this. So ask God to show you what he wants. Open your bible and start reading. Talk to him. He will listen. There is a reason why your not settled and this is hard place for you. God loves you. He wasn't punishing you or your family by letting your little sister be an angel. He wasn't punishing me by letting Hope be an angel. I don't understand his ultimate plan. But, I know because I lost Hope, I'm a changed women. I'm stronger, wiser, and more humble then I have ever been. My faith is also stronger. Its a matter of choice. I don't wake up everyday and feel like super christian girl LOL I make a choice to rest in him. To trust him. Fear that God is ready to punish you or harm you isn't of him. The enemy doesn't want you to trust God, he doesn't want you to follow him. God can handle our emotions, he gave them to us. I struggle with feeling guilty when I question or am angry. But my pastor told me, "Its OK. God can handle it. He gave you these emotions." The problem is when they start to rule you.

    I've made this extremely long and I'm sorry. But I want you to know that I believe God brought our paths together. And I pray for you daily. Thank you for being my friend! :) I'm here if you want to talk.

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  3. I would reiterate Megan's and Lauren's comments exactly. I understand pretty well about struggles with faith, and yes, I have noticed your struggles too (this blog post may have even been to me?). Yes, I too have faced "crises" in my own life that have left me with questions and doubts. That is normal. We are human. We can't possibly understand an all-knowing eternal creator of the universe. But I do know that He must exist. I know this with I look at my beautiful children so "perfectly" created or when I see how "perfectly" the world is formed and works together. As I have tried to state before, I believe God's love for us is never ending, and I believe He wants good things for us. Unfortunately, there is also an evil force who wants to harm us and prevent us from being close to our creator. He is a strong force, and when we doubt God and let our disappointments turn us from God, we are more susceptible to that evil plan. God didn't create the evil though. He created us to be different that the rest of his creation...it is obvious that we are. We "know" the difference between right and wrong, and we have the ability to choose. He made us that way because he didn't want us to be "slaves" or "puppets" singing his praises merely because we are "programmed" to do so. He wants us to give our love freely to him. Unfortunately, that choice comes with a price. From the time that first "sin" entered humanity, we had to pay that price. "Sin" does have a hold on us all. The good news is we don't have to pay the ultimate price for that sin because Jesus paid it. I don't push any particular "religious doctrine or denomination." I believe that the Bible is the only solid source of God's wisdom that we have to help us understand His plan for us. It is full of promises, and I have seen so many of those promises fulfilled in my own life and in the lives of others. I see it in the miraculous healing of little children, in the health and happiness of my family, in the miraculous beauty of a sunrise, in the compassion of friends, in the way God brought me and my brother into the family we are in to give us a better chance in life, etc. I could go on and on. I see His work in your life too...in your sweet husband who adores you, in your beautiful and healthy children, in your family who is there for you, etc. We all face the trials and difficulties of life (some harder than others), but we must realize that God isn't too blame. He is our hope that we can continue on and that better things await us. God has a plan on your job situation, but right now, I think you are right where you are supposed to be at home enjoying your sweet little man and preparing for your little girl's arrival and enjoying being with your mom. I hope that this helps you a little, but I also recommend you read some of God's words on your own. You might like to read some of pastor's blog too as he makes the Bible very easy to understand and very applicable to today's problems. http://blog.foresthill.org/

    Love ya, girl!

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    Replies
    1. Ugh, so many grammatical errors...just the product of a fast flowing mind that can't take time to proofread! ;-)

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  4. I'm with you Valerie. Maybe because I had a similar situation...my question why would god take my 4 month old sister away. I went to catholic school and one of the mom's said he wanted her to be his angel. I decided that was not cool. What had I done by 10 yrs old to be without my father and sister. As an adult I have my own spirituality that I believe helps guide me but faith I do not have. I believe in love, a higher power, and that we are all interconnected. We each must find our own path...

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