I was recently reading another blog of someone who has had some very challenging times in her life and she always turns back to God and her faith and it got me wondering where that comes from?
Am I just missing that part of my brain? Am I so cynical that the idea of believing in a higher power and not getting upset when something goes wrong are so out of the realm of possibility?
I can tell you that I know the exact moment my faith was lost. I was ten years and almost four months old. In the parking lot of what used to be an outlet mall in front of Carowinds in Charlotte North Carolina. My dad has just told me my sister had died. I remember thinking that we had prayed and wished and hoped for as long as I could remember for this baby and God took her away from us. I was the good little catholic girl, always at mass and attended a private catholic school at that. From that moment on, I hated God. The anger I felt is something I have never experienced since.
So here I am 34 years old and I still wrestle with that. I want so badly to believe and hope and cling to a god who is good and kind. But I keep feeling like I'm being punished for something. I try so hard to remember how lucky I am and how blessed we are to be where we are and have a beautiful and healthy child here and another one making her appearance soon. It's during low times when I'm sitting in my moms house when I think am I so unimportant to god that he will take all of it away from me?
I guess I should reiterate that I am grateful. I just keep hoping that you do what's good and right and eventually good things start happening, right? I can't live where we are forever. I can't go on day in and day out being bitter that I have two degrees that mean nothing. (Sidebar: long before I gave my notice at work I had applied for an assistant job at a university up here...well I got a rejection email from them on Wednesday. Apparently a masters degree and almost fifteen years of legal experience mean I am not qualified for the position).
All this rambling to say that I fully respect and admire y'all who just get it. Who know that god is looking out for you and has your life in his hands. I want so desperately to be one of those people. Instead I worry that I'm going to say something out of turn or speak ill of someone and piss the big guy off to where something else bad happens to me. Or my family.
I hope I haven't offended anyone with this. My intent is only to try and understand a little better. I seriously feel like something is wrong with me when it comes to this part of my existence. Have you always just believed? When bad things happen how do you not feel like you are all alone in this life?