Monday, June 25, 2012

My dilemma

I want to preface all of this by saying that I'm not trying to air my dirty laundry or bash anyone in a public forum.  I feel at this point like I could really use some advice because the people closest to me are just a little too close to the situation.

The story begins 6 years ago when my then 21 year old husband (who I hadn't met yet) was convinced by his stepdad to buy his childhood home.  This was done on the guise of it'll help your credit and we will buy the house back in a year.  Okay, fair enough.  Josh is the kindest person I have ever met in my life and I know in my heart he did this to help his mom and stepdad out.

Fast forward to February of 2011 when Josh and I get engaged.  I'm a practical person (at least I think I am) and thought okay I am about to get my Master's degree and we have no need for this house in South Carolina anymore since my original plan was to get my degree and move to DC (sigh, if only I were that young and stupid to think it would be that simple now but I digress).  I was renting a house from a friend, that I loved living in and hated moving from, but all I kept thinking was why in the hell would I pay rent on a house when Josh has a home he owns???  So, we go to his stepdad on numerous occasions and say okay you can buy the house back right now or we're going to have to move in, fix it up and sell it.  Josh's stepdad had been basically the rental agent on the home since, we learned over the course of this past year, he really just needed the house out of his name so they could take the enormous proceeds from the sale and open their now failing restaurant.  Does it make me a bad person that I'm enjoying the fact that they're going to lose their business by the end of the year?  If it does, I'm okay with that.

I could give more back story but I'm guessing it'll just end up sounding like a long winded tirade on my part.  I'm only telling the story to emphasize that Josh and I really do have a legitimate reason to be angry.  The house was a disaster and needs numerous extremely expensive repairs before we can even think about selling it.  Think brand new air conditioning (ours is 33 years old), foundation repair and possible replacement, it needs to be rewired (yep, we live in a home that has original 1950s electricity...safe, right?) and the plumbing needs to be redone. 

All of the above is why Josh will no longer have a relationship with his mom.  We blocked her, his stepdad and his half sister from our Facebooks so they couldn't have contact with any of us.  Turns out, his mom was still using someone to get information about Oliver which enrages me more than anything on this planet.  She won't just suck it up and be a decent human being but she'll go on and on about how cute Oliver is and how much he looks like Josh??  Am I wrong for wanting to literally go psychotic about this?  I am not lying when I say the woman has literally never laid eyes on my child in person in his 6 months on this earth.

I think what has sent me over the edge is apparently she knows about my current pregnancy.  I don't know how because it's not Facebook official and, seriously, there is absolutely no way Josh's mom is smart enough to know about a blog.  Honestly, imagine for a second the dumbest person you have ever met in your life and double that.  That's about where Josh's mom fits on the intelligence scale.  I'm not saying that because I hate her, I promise.  I realized from almost day one that the woman is not an intelligent person and believes everything that is ever told to her.  Ha ha, she thinks her family moved away as a child because her dad didn't like black people.  Bless her heart, if she were to actually open her eyes she'd know that her dad was a crook and had to leave his town because he stole money as the clerk of court.

I know I've probably lost a lot of people by this point because this post is so long.  I guess I just have to tell my side so I don't seem like a total brat who hates my mother in law.  Now I need to know what to do.  I'm so angry that my child doesn't have a relationship with his grandmother.  Is this fixable??  What what y'all do if you were in my position?  My mom does the whole wipe the slate clean route, which is fine, if it's just Josh's mom involved.  However, she won't have anything to do with us without her husband and they will literally have to kill me for him to have anything to do with my children.  Period.   Help, help, help!!

9 comments:

  1. You did not lose me =]

    I have never been in a situation like this, but I have my own dirty laundry.
    In different super dirty laundry related to this post, when I got pregnant with my son I had decided a few months prior to cut off all contact with my real dad. Once I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had made the right decision. Yes, like your MIL, my father & step-mom know about my son but not because of me. I'm okay with them knowing because he is technically their grandson. I just don't wish to let them have any sort of relationship for things he has done to me & not wanting to subject my child to those things.
    In my opinion, if you haven't have a civil relationship with your MIL {& her husband} then don't feel bad. If things are as bad as you say, it will be easy to wipe the slate clean, but all the negative feelings would take years. I personally think it would be too hard to pretend for the sake of a relationship between a grandmother & her grandson. She is wrong for snooping behind your backs to see pictures or find out information, but that's life & it's irritating as hell.
    I hope things get better for you. This comment was super hard, but you did ask for opinions =] haha I hope I helped even a little.

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    1. You hit the nail right on the head of what's going through my mind. I know me and I wouldn't be able to just sit there and smile like nothing had happened. For Oliver and Josh's sake I wouldn't start any drama but I would never be more than civil. I have my mom in my ear every night it seems, telling me I need to do this and I need to think about Rebecca. I want Oliver to have people love him but I don't know at what cost. Does it ever get easier???

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  2. I think your already doing the right thing. Standing your ground and doing whats best for Oliver and your unborn child. If they don't want to be a part of Olivers life then they are missing out. I know you feel like he is missing out on his grandparents, but is he really? Missing out on people who want nothing to do with him doesn't seem like he is really missing anything important, not when there are so many people in his life that love him. As for the house, your a better person then me, because I would be pushing to sell it not fix it, despite the drama it may cause ( but then again I'm kind of a instigator, so its not something I necessarily suggest lol)

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    1. So I'm not a bad mom or person if he never has a relationship with her? I guess that's where I want to make sure I'm doing right by him. I'm so worried when he realizes one day that he has another family he's never met before.

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    2. No. At least not in my opinion. Your a great mom, because your trying your best to protect him, putting his above all else, and shield him from those that could hurt him ( emotionally). Yes there is always the chance that he will grow older and want to know why he doesn't have a relationship with his grandparents, but this is really out of your control, you can't force someone to be in his life, and you will have to explain that to him when the time comes.

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  3. my sister and her inlaws have always had an awful relationship, but for the sake of her children she did her best to encourage a relationship with them, even though her husband always had an awful relationship with them. about three years ago they had a huge falling out which resulted in my brother in law cutting off all communication ( his, my sisters and the kids) with his parents. the in laws tried to get information about the kids through me, my brother, my own parents, and my brother in laws cousins.. it turned into this huge thing. about a year ago my sister decided to let the kids choose individually if they wanted to have a relationship with their grandparents.. both my older nieces attempted it for a little while and then have chosen theyd rather not, and now only my nephew (who is 11) really sees them....truth be told they give him money and buy him tons of stuff whenever they see him which in my opinion is them buying his love...but ANYWAY after this whole rambling response i think youre doing the right thing for your family. sometimes youre family is onen your create for yourself, and not necessarily the one you were born into.

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    1. I really hate this for your family. I had no idea issues like this existed with families until I was put into this situation. I just want to do right by Oliver and his future sibling(s). Josh's dad is wonderful so thank goodness we get to see him. I think it's just the whole grandmother thing that I'm struggling with, since I was so close to mine.

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  4. In my honest opinion I agree with what you are doing. We had an awful time with my husbands parents before we got married and after. We didn't have children. But they were very controlling and didn't want J making boundaries with them. It was pretty rough couple of years until we stopped talking to them for 6 mo and when my MIL almost died they contacted us and made amends. Now they respect us. And act like totally different people. It was so difficult. ... As far as the grandparents go I had a set that didn't have nothing to do with me but I had great grandparents on the other side. I have no regrets for not having their relationship. It was their loss.

    Thats your children. If they would have a negative affect on your family then I wouldn't be around them. But then again just my opinion. :)

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  5. Im late on the post but I'm right there with ya. My family puts the insane in insanity.
    You just keep your nuclear family healthy & happy & that's all you need! :)

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